Episode 7: Let the (authentic relating) games begin...

In this episode, the second in a series of three on the topic of Authentic Relating, we continue to learn by playing. Yes, playing. Our guest Gabe DeRita leads your host Lisa D through  Authentic Relating games, or exercises.  Listen in as an entirely new way of relating (to your host) is exposed.  Trigger warning: This gets a bit intimate for some.

Some of what you'll hear between Gabe and Lisa includes; naming what's present in connection, noticing what's emerging in the moment, questioning assumptions, revealing emotional states and taking ownership of one's own experience.

As a reminder the 5 practices of "AR":

• Welcome Everything
• Assume Nothing
• Reveal Your Experience
• Own Your Experience
• Honor YourSelf and Other

The 'Noticing Game' stems:
Being here with you I notice...
Hearing that I notice/feel...

What's going on for you, what you imagine is going on for other, what's happening in the shared space.

A slightly edgier version invites us to get better at noticing, naming and dropping assumptions as they arise.

More on Authentic Relating.
More on Gabe DeRita.

If you'd like to be a guest on Coaching Confidential or to receive some coaching visit our site.

If you would like to sample coaching for yourSelf, CONTACT US.

If you'd like to share what listening was like for you, DROP A LINE. We'd love to hear you!

Follow us on Instagram.

Follow us on Facebook.

Follow us on LinkedIn.

#thecoachingconfidentialpodcast #coaching #podcast

Transcript

Vimla | 00:01

Hello and welcome to Coaching Confidential, a podcast hosted by ICF certified professional coaches Lisa D and myself, Vimla. In this podcast we bring you inside a real live unscripted coaching session and at the end of the coaching session you hear from the client about the impact of the coaching and you hear from the coach about the skills that the coach used. In the last episode, we changed our format a little bit and introduced the authentic relating practice to you. Authentic relating is a practice that helps facilitate authenticity with ourselves and in our relationships. For the coaches out there, you probably know that relationship building and authenticity show up a lot in coaching. So we decided that this is a practice that we all could benefit from coaches and non coaches. Lisa, could you expand on what happened in episode six and what's here in episode seven?

Lisa | 01:02

Sure. Yeah. So in episode six we met Gabe, who is also an ICF credentialed professional coach. And uh, Gabe told us a little bit about his life journey and how it landed him into the career of a coach. And he introduced us to this practice called Authentic relating. And uh, told us a little bit about the basis of authentic relating sort of the principles of authentic relating. And at the end of episode six, we kind of left you on this cliffhanger and in episode seven, the one you're listening to now, we pick back up and we let you be a fly on the wall to Gabe and I playing authentic relating games.

Vimla | 01:56

Awesome.

Lisa | 01:57

Yeah. So we welcome you as you listen to notice what's happening for you when you listen to the authentic relating game happening. Um, and on the other end I'll share what was happening for me

Vimla | 02:12

On that note. Let's listen.

Gabe | 02:15

So we're gonna jump in with some of the practices and we're gonna play a really simple game that allows us to explore a bunch of the practices of authentic relating at once through simply naming what's present in connection. And so the five practices, again, just really quick, are welcome everything, assume nothing, reveal your experience, own your experience and honor self and other. And the game we're gonna play is called the noticing game. And it's just talking about what we're noticing in the present in connection and doing the best we can to keep our attention focused there in what's emerging between us and how the energy is shifting in connection both with ourselves and with the other person. Okay. And so when you're playing the noticing game, you're trying to speak to what's alive, welcoming it, of course, not shutting anything out, questioning the assumptions or origins story of your experience, like noticing what's going on beneath and like a part of your emotions or sensations.

Gabe | 03:15

And of course revealing it to yourself and your partner in a way that's fully owned. So you never wanna say like, oh, well when you look at me that way, you make me feel blank. Right? That's not owned. You could say like, oh, when I notice your gaze, I feel myself drawing back. Right? That would be an owned version of that. So we wanna try to do that as much as we can, speaking from our experience about the impact somebody else has. And we'll just go back and forth starting with that sentence, stem being here with you. I notice blank and the thing you notice could be part of your experience. So emotions, sensations. Oh, I notice my cheeks getting warm. I notice my hands are climbing. I notice my heart lifting up or wanting to be closer to you. Right? You can name desires, that would be part of your experience.

Gabe | 04:00

You could name something else about you, like, oh, I notice your background and I have an assumption. We have the same brand of refrigerator, right? Like you could say something like that. Or you could say something about the connection, like being here with you. I notice we both seem at ease and expecting something to happen, right? So there's those three layers you can speak to in what you notice, what's going on for you, what you imagine is going on for someone else and what you're experiencing in the shared connection between you. And you can also share impact. So if anything I'm saying is like landing on you in a certain way, you can share with the impact is on you from what I said.

Lisa | 04:43

Okay, great. This sounds awesome. May we do a little bit of the exercise and then maybe say cut and point something out that's happening if it's really relevant?

Gabe | 04:54

Yeah, you can pause this whenever you want and I'll pause this if I see something like, Hey wait, did you notice? I'll be happy to do

Lisa | 05:02

That. Okay. I'm excited to show up here as a complete novice in practice with you, Gabe.

Gabe | 05:07

Cool. Well do you want the um, the quick ground rules or framing one more time before we

Lisa | 05:12

Jump in? Yeah, let's do it. Bottom

Gabe | 05:13

Line. Cool. So we're gonna do our best to stay with our present experience and just name what we're noticing and the sentence stems we can use to help us do that are being here with you. I notice blank, which could be a thought and emotion, a sensation. And you can share impact, which will be hearing that I notice blank. Something that changed in you in response to what your partner shared. And you can ping pong back and forth like that changing with being here with you. I notice blank or sharing impact trying to stay present.

Lisa | 05:49

All right. Sweet.

Gabe | 05:51

You wanna start us off?

Lisa | 05:53

Actually, no, I want you to start us off <laugh> if you don't mind. Okay.

Gabe | 05:57

Hmm. Yeah. Being here with you, I notice myself kind of settling in a little bit, slowing down.

Lisa | 06:12

Hmm. Being here with you, I notice I'm a little nervous about getting this right.

Gabe | 06:27

Yeah. Hearing that I feel two things. A sense of concern of like, oh I wanna help. And also like this mischievous, no, I'm just gonna let Lisa figure it out. <laugh>, there's a part of me that's like, nah, we're just gonna roll with it.

Lisa | 06:45

Hearing what you just said, I noticed that I feel completely capable.

Gabe | 06:52

Mm.

Lisa | 06:53

To figure it out.

Gabe | 06:55

Yeah. Yeah. Hearing that I'm like feeling a sense of ease. Just like not, not con not concerned or care taking of you.

Lisa | 07:10

So now being here with all that said or all that in our space, I feel excited about potentially making a big old mess.

Gabe | 07:25

Yeah. Yeah. Being here with you, I noticed that the mess is always kind of there. Like we're, we're kind of feeling our way through things and I know that sounds like there's some judgment in that, but that feels good to me to kind of like be making it up as we go along.

Lisa | 07:43

Yeah. Yeah. And being here in this moment, I notice that I'm less concerned with actually maybe I just feel a little bit more safe than I might normally, like if I was at work I'd be more concerned with making a mistake, but here I'm like whatever <laugh>. How fun to make a mistake here. Yeah.

Gabe | 08:20

Can I pause? Is there,

Lisa | 08:21

Yeah.

Gabe | 08:22

I wanna note something that just happened that, that is interesting as we try to notice our experience. Like you named it changing really quickly as you tried to name it. And that's an important part of this exercise is like when you really drill down and try to notice what's happening, you, one of the first things you notice is how quickly it's changing, which I just watched you do. I watched you like start to say something and then say, actually it's this other thing. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, which tells me that you're really present with what's happening for you because you're like noticing that it's sort of like this running stream of thought and emotion and it's always moving. Mm-hmm.

Gabe | 09:00

<affirmative>, which is a powerful part of a meditation practice. And I think what kind of this sneakily smuggles it in is this idea. So just wanted to kind of tease that out for folks that I heard that happen. And it's part of what goes on when you really do the noticing game. You're like, whoa, this is changing really fast. I felt nervous a moment ago and as soon as I named it now I feel my breath is slow now. Or like my palms were climby when I started talking and now that I'm listening to you, I feel like my shoulders drop. So it's always shifting really quickly.

Lisa | 09:38

Yeah. So I love that you highlighted how I was tracking what was happening in real time. Um, and you brought in the word meditative and I'm just wondering, not to take us too far off track, but does this kind of exercise embody some of the qualities that meditation might offer?

Gabe | 10:04

It can, depending how you frame it. And so let's go back to the game with a specific intention this time of only naming sensations that we're having in our bodies. Cause that would be essentially using this for a meditative process to just be with sensation and try our best not to name emotions or judgments or thoughts. And I'll keep track, we'll do this for, for maybe a minute or so.

Lisa | 10:26

Okay.

Gabe | 10:27

I'm just trying to name what's in our experience from a physical sense.

Lisa | 10:32

Okay.

Gabe | 10:34

And so you could say, being here right now, I notice and name a sensation you have.

Lisa | 10:40

Okay. Would you mind starting?

Gabe | 10:42

Sure. Being here now, I suddenly notice my feet are cold cause I don't have socks on

Lisa | 10:57

Being here now. Hmm. This is hard.

Gabe | 11:08

<laugh>.

Lisa | 11:11

Give me a sec. Here. Being here now. Being here now. Being here now I'm, I'm noticing the sensation of my voice in my jaw as I'm speaking.

Gabe | 11:25

Mm. Cool. And being here now I'm aware that my tongue feels itchy cuz I burned it on hot tea

Lisa | 11:40

Being here now I am noticing how my wet hair on the back of my neck and the humidity and rain outside are creating a little microclimate <laugh> on the back

Gabe | 12:00

Being here now I notice how I'm squeezing my hands between my legs and I notice how much warmer my, my leg muscles are than the bones in my hand and my fingertips are colder.

Lisa | 12:16

Okay. I got one more here. A little contrast being here now I'm noticing how I'm clutching this pen because this is a little intimate.

Gabe | 12:26

Mm. Yeah. Now let's pause there cause I think you're right. I think like this is comes to sort of a challenge of revealing our experience of being really with it. It does feel intimate, right? To talk about what, like what's happening for us. Even something really simple like oh yeah, my hair is wet. You know what I mean? Or like I notice I'm clenching my fist. There's nothing particularly like risque about that, but it feels vulnerable to be so direct with our experience sometimes.

Lisa | 13:00

Well, no I, and also not so much with you, although that that is true. But also with myself cuz I think I have a habit of being out of body sometimes.

Gabe | 13:15

Yeah. I had an assumption that that was going on for you and you're like wow, this is really difficult. But then as soon as you got into it, the sensations you were naming were pretty big. Like having wet hair on your neck, like I would notice that it's a strong sensation but a lot of us live kind of checked out of that physical environment where in our head a lot, there's a Charles Dickens novel. It starts off with the description of the main character is living like a short distance from his body. And I think that that's how a lot of us live in this disembodied mental plays. Which is why this game can be really hard for people to play at first cuz they're just focused on that ticker tape, you know, kind of narrative experience they're having and they're not coming down into the experience itself as readily. So it can be a really, really good practice for that cuz it does slow you down. It does kind of push attention downward into a more embodied place.

Lisa | 14:08

Yeah. Yeah. So let's come back to the exercise. We did two parts of it, right? One was just the generic being here with you. I notice in what was here and then we came and we focused on sensation. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, is there anything else that we should explore with this particular authentic relating game?

Gabe | 14:27

Yeah, there's what I would consider the edgier version of this. And when I say edgier I mean it feels kind of risky to do cuz it's like breaking with social convention to play it. But one of the ways I like to play this game is to name the things we're noticing that our assumptions and judgements. So remember coming back to this practices, assume nothing. You can name the parts of your experience that might be projections or assumptions about someone else. And the reason this is powerful and valuable in my experience is because these assumptions sneak into our models of reality as truth all the time. And the only solution we have to dealing with that is getting better at noticing, naming and dropping the assumptions as they arise. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And so you can say when you're doing the noticing game, being here with you, I notice I have an assumption or a story or I'm making up that blank being here with you, I notice you kind of like smiling nervously and I'm making up the story that you don't wanna play this game with me. So like I'm naming that as an assumption that I have about your experience. Yeah. And it makes it feel really like scary to say, oh I'm gonna speak what's going on in my head about someone else. We're just doing this not to be attached to whether we're right or not, but just to kind of label the parts of our experience that are assumptions that we really don't know if they're true or not. Yeah. That we're noticing and having moment.

Lisa | 16:01

I'm noticing that I wanna ask you if we answer the assumption, but maybe we should just do the exercise and we can find

Gabe | 16:07

Out. No, don't answer it.

Lisa | 16:08

Okay.

Gabe | 16:08

Because then it can really quickly go into a dialogue of like, oh my God, you were right or no, that's not true. Then we are starting to have a different discussion and that's actually part of the edginess of the exercise is you don't get to find out if your assumption is true or not. You can frame the game. If we were playing in a group, I would set up some time to debrief at the end so that you could check those assumptions out. But when you're actually in the space of noticing assumptions, it's important to just stay with that practice as the focus of the dialogue. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, does that make sense?

Lisa | 16:39

Yeah. I get how it could go totally off track and get righteous.

Gabe | 16:43

Yeah. You wanna get away from it as fast as you can because it's uncomfortable. And so if you give space for that in the model, then you go immediately to be like, oh my god, you're right. Or Wow, yeah that was off. You know, like actually it's this. So just being unattached to whether those assumptions are true or not also softens our reliance on them. If we practice letting go of whether our assumption is true or not, we feel less pressure in revealing it.

Lisa | 17:08

All right. Will you lead us

Gabe | 17:10

Off? Yeah. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna do the noticing game again. And you can use that same thing being here with you I noticed. And try to name the parts of the things that you're noticing that are out there in the world. You know, they're not sensations, they're not part of things that you are having. They're ideas that are coming to you from the other person and just name them not being attached to whether they're right or wrong. And the other person's not gonna confirm or deny the extent of the truth of that statement. They're just gonna name a piece of their assumption or projection that might be arising.

Lisa | 17:45

Beautiful.

Gabe | 17:46

And you could share some impact. You could share a story that you're making up in response to what somebody

Lisa | 17:50

Said. Okay. Got it.

Gabe | 17:53

Cool. Being here with you, I noticed a story coming up that you were maybe nervous to try this out like that you were more uncomfortable with this one than some of the other ones we did.

Lisa | 18:15

Hmm. <affirmative> hearing that, I notice that there are parts of me that are wanting to debate that <laugh> and being here. I notice the whiteboard in your background and I assume that you are really organized and got a lot of stuff going on. <laugh>

Gabe | 19:07

Being here with you. I'm now noticing your background too. And I'm wondering are you in the office slash laundry room? Is it like the multipurpose room? I'm picturing a map of your house. I think you're on the second floor, you know what I mean? Like I'm doing that whole like visual walkthrough of where you are in your physical space.

Lisa | 19:28

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. Okay. This is a little hard, um, <laugh> because being here with you, I notice I'm being a little careful.

Gabe | 19:50

Mm. Yeah. I've also felt the sense of caution or restraint a little bit of like, oh what are we worried we're gonna say? You know, are we worried we're gonna offend each other? You can feel the tension there.

Lisa | 20:04

Yeah. Yeah. And now that I've said that being here with you, I notice what I think is a fan in your background behind what looks like a bed. So I'm wondering if you're one of those people that sleeps with a fan on at night.

Gabe | 20:20

<laugh>. So I wanna pause this real quick cuz you actually took us into what would be like another deeper version of this game pretty naturally, which is you could say being here with you, I notice blank assumption because blank. So you can give the reason why you might think something

Lisa | 20:39

Uhhuh

Gabe | 20:40

And it makes the game a little bit easier. And it also helps us question the origin stories of our assumptions. So we could try a couple more rounds. I notice blank because blank. And you can give the reason you're making that story up.

Lisa | 20:58

Okay. And that helps us understand the clues that are having us think the way that we're thinking.

Gabe | 21:04

Yeah. Yeah. It could either be the cues in our external environment that are triggers for a meaning making machine to kind of turn on in our brain. Okay. And it can also help us tap into some of the deeper emotional landscape beneath that. Like, oh, you know, I notice your posture shifted back. I assume you're, you're nervous because I have a belief I talk too much and maybe I'm scaring you away. You're speaking to the deeper piece that might be beneath the meaning you're making if you can find it.

Lisa | 21:32

Okay.

Gabe | 21:34

So if it's another kind of like one click down into the practice Yep. That you kind of started to take us there organically and I just wanted to invite it cuz it's also another fun way to

Lisa | 21:44

Play. Yeah. Okay.

Gabe | 21:45

You wanna lead us off this time?

Lisa | 21:48

Yeah, I will. Being here with you, I'm noticing being here with you, I'm noticing that I have a, that I'm flooded with thoughts and that I wanna say all of them at once. <laugh>. Yeah. I don't know if this is gonna overdo it, but I'm noticing that I wanna know what's on your whiteboard, what it says, and I wanna know how you're experiencing this thing that we're doing.

Gabe | 22:33

Hmm.

Lisa | 22:34

And I wanna know what's outside that window.

Gabe | 22:38

Hmm. Yeah. Hearing that I'm making up that you have a lot of genuine curiosity about me and some sense of frustration that we're not gonna be able to explore that in this conversation. <laugh>, I'm getting a felt sense of like wanting to like we're stuck in this little model and I wanna know these other things and they're out of bounds and there's kind of like a little frustration in it. Not sure if that's true, but it's what it feels like. I'm noticing your earrings too and I'm making up that there's a really cool collection of naturally inspired jewelry in your closet somewhere cuz they look like seed pods and I imagine you might have like a bunch of those earrings that are like leaves dipped in gold and it's just the veins of the leaves you can see and kind of cool natural inspired jewelry and art making up all this stuff about your taste right now just based on your earrings.

Lisa | 23:38

Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Can I pause for a sec?

Gabe | 23:46

Yeah.

Lisa | 23:47

I just wanna ask a question. I don't wanna get too deep into this cuz I don't, but when you are making your observations, when you're saying what you're saying, like what you just said, I'm noticing that I wanna share what it's like to hear that versus reflect something that I'm seeing over here. Like that takes precedence for me how I'm feeling kind of overtakes a curiosity I might have about what I'm noticing with you.

Gabe | 24:22

Yeah, yeah.

Lisa | 24:24

So I know that one may not be more right than the other, it just is. But how does that work in this game?

Gabe | 24:31

I really appreciate you bringing that in because there's always the opportunity to share impact because impact is part of our present experience. So that's what you're saying. My desire to respond to how I feel about what you shared is stronger than my curiosity about what's going on for you. So that means impact is more alive for you. So that's present. So when you're noticing it in the frame of the game, we're air quoting here, like playing by the rules that's included.

Lisa | 24:56

Okay. In an earlier round I shared impact and then I shared something about what I'm noticing in the frame of you because I sort of felt like I can't make it all about how I'm feeling. I have to put some attention over here

Gabe | 25:15

That might be you wanting to get it right instead of being with your experience more fully. I don't know, I'm making that up. There's an assumption hearing that I assume you're more concerned with playing the game than you are with being with you know what's going on for you.

Lisa | 25:28

Yeah. Or maybe I don't wanna be seen to be self focused. Maybe it's not really self focused, but my inner critic is saying,

Gabe | 25:39

Hmm,

Lisa | 25:40

You got too much tension on yourself and not on the other.

Gabe | 25:45

That's great though, right? Because that's what this game is for, is to get us in touch with whoa, wow, am I totally dis embodying because I'm worried about being too self-centered. Isn't that a valuable realization about our experience? I would say that that's great little insight or kind of tidbit from, from practicing something like this.

Lisa | 26:10

Yeah. Yeah. So actually I think I'm pulling us out of the game. Is that okay?

Gabe | 26:19

That's okay. We did a couple examples of the exercise. I think we covered some good ground with that.

Lisa | 26:25

Awesome. Gabe, thank you so much for bringing me through an authentic relating game experience. Yeah, it was a little hard at times, but I think that it's, I can see all these applications and the various places in life I could take them and it really is a tool for connection.

Gabe | 26:47

Mm-hmm. <affirmative> with themselves and each other.

Lisa | 26:51

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. So the other thing I'm super curious about, why would somebody do an exercise like this in life?

Vimla | 27:10

Wow, that was intense, Lisa. I'm wondering what was that like for you?

Lisa | 27:18

Um, yeah, it was intense as is kind of a good word. Um, it might be a little bit strong, but I definitely, as you heard as was acknowledged in the games between Gabe and I, I was stretching a little bit. And I think that the biggest challenge for me is that I, I don't often have conversations like this with people that I don't know really, really well. And even then with people that I know really well, they're not as, as structured as the games were. So, you know, it was just a little bit new for me.

Vimla | 28:04

I heard some of that, it was new and uh, it was stretching and there were also moments when it was fun and light and freeing maybe almost.

Lisa | 28:19

Yeah. One of the things that was really helpful is that, um, it invited me to get clear, like a lot of the things that the games were asking of me allowed me to sound out what my experience was. And as you heard, my experience changed very quickly. So that was really, really helpful for me. The process of getting stuck in a place didn't happen and I love that. I really love that.

Vimla | 28:48

Awesome. So Lisa, I'm curious what's coming in the next episode.

Lisa | 28:52

So in the next episode, which is episode eight of our first season, and the third on this topic, we are gonna look at the why. So just to back up in episode six, we talked about the what of authentic relating, what is it, and in episode seven we talked about the how of authentic relating, how do you play, what does it sound like? And we presented to you an actual game in episode eight. We are going to wrap all this up by talking about why a coach or any human for that matter may wanna practice authentic relating and, um, we'll also look at what outcomes we've heard, seen or even experienced from having done so.

Vimla | 29:44

Perfect. Awesome. So we are going to list the four games in the show notes and, uh, we would like to invite everyone to try them on.

Lisa | 29:55

Yeah. The invitation out there for you all after hearing the games is to sample it. So go ahead and check out the show notes, which will exist at our site, www.yourvitalself.com/coaching confidential or wherever you hear your podcasts.

Vimla | 30:20

Awesome. And Lisa, can our listeners get in touch with us if they want to comment, share feelings, share their impressions, and if so, how?

Lisa | 30:34

Yeah. So of course obviously we always love hearing from folks whether it's just, uh, how you experience, uh, the authentic relating games, listening, the questions, trying them out, or what strikes you as you listen to our podcasts. Or if you would like to be a guest on our podcast or receive coaching from FMLA or I, and, uh, the way to do that is at the same place, www.yourvitalself.com/coaching confidential.

Vimla | 31:06

Awesome. Onto next time.