Episode 2: Surviving to Thriving

In this episode Lisa coaches Vimla. You will hear a demonstration of coaching where emotions are explored and moved WITHOUT backstory.  Listen and witness the journey of a charged & confusing moment into clarity and purpose with an action plan!

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Transcript

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Lisa | 00:00

Hi, welcome to Coaching Confidential, the podcast that brings you directly into and behind the scenes of a real life unscripted coaching session. Your host for this podcast are Lisa D who believes that coaching is the perpetual pathway to freedom and Vimla, who sees coaching as a way of creating a massive ripple effect for your life and for our earth.

Vimla | 00:29

In this episode, Lisa is coaching me. The topic is emotions. It starts with emotions, but goes into surviving and thriving. So the arc of the session you'll notice goes from emotions to thriving,

Lisa | 00:45

And we invite you to pay attention to what is happening in your own heart and mind as you listen to this session. Now, the session. Enjoy. Vimla, do I have permission to coach you? Yes.

Vimla | 01:01

Yes you do.

Lisa | 01:03

Okay, beautiful, beautiful. And I heard you say you're not sure what topic you wanna bring for coaching today.

Vimla | 01:11

Yes.

Lisa | 01:13

Well, we can certainly use some of our time to explore what the topic could be. Does that sound interesting to you, or do you have another path you'd like to take?

Vimla | 01:24

No, that would be very helpful. There is a lot in the space, so exploring would help for sure.

Lisa | 01:34

Okay, beautiful. Beautiful. Well, as you know, we sometimes do this right? We're not exactly sure. And so part of the coaching is to get more Sure. <laugh>, if not entirely sure. So would it be helpful to set a time constraint around that exploration and then we can check in and decide if we've arrived or if we wanna keep going with the exploration? Yes. Okay. All right. What kind of time would you like to give this?

Vimla | 02:01

Maybe we can spend eight to 10 minutes exploring and then see what happens next.

Lisa | 02:10

All right. So I'm gonna set a timer for nine minutes right in the middle, and we can make choices when that nine minutes arrives. Sounds good.

Vimla | 02:20

Sounds good.

Lisa | 02:21

Great. So what's swimming around in the land of possibilities?

Vimla | 02:28

There's a lot of emotion here, and, um, I'm, uh, I'm trying to get ahead of the emotion, and of course I know to get beyond that emotion, I have to go through the emotion, but I, that's what I'm trying to resist. I'm trying to resist falling apart so that I can rebuild.

Lisa | 03:10

Yeah, I heard that what is present right now is some emotion, and I also heard a desire to get ahead of that emotion or through that emotion I also heard resistance.

Vimla | 03:34

Yes. All of the above.

Lisa | 03:38

Yeah.

Vimla | 03:40

So this morning I, I took a nap and I was hoping that once I wake up from the nap, everything would've passed <laugh>, but that didn't happen.

Lisa | 03:55

Mm mm What's everything,

Vimla | 03:59

You know, just this moment, this time, this emotion. I'm ready for the other side, <laugh>, but the other side is not ready for me yet.

Lisa | 04:16

Mm. How would you like to be with that?

Vimla | 04:27

Sorry, <laugh>. It's like I'm leaking from

Lisa | 04:35

Mm, yeah. The emotion is, is here.

Vimla | 04:46

Yeah.

Lisa | 04:50

So Vimla, if, if we are in this space, this moment, this coaching moment, and it's me and it's you, and this emotion is, is coming into the space. Yeah. What else would you like to invite into the space with it and us?

Vimla | 05:15

That's a powerful <affirmative>, and I don't have a clear answer showing up <laugh>. I almost wanna say, could you ask me that in two minutes,

Lisa | 05:33

<laugh>? Okay. I can actually <laugh>. Yeah, I can. What would you like me to ask you before that? If anything?

Vimla | 05:49

It's like, uh, there is a, there's a dense fog around my thinking brain. Maybe all this emotion is fogging up my thinking brain and my brain is not able to come up with answers. Um, I do need need, and I want the fog to go away to clear up. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So, you know, in fact, the question almost feels like, um, ray of light trying to pierce through the fog, but still, I don't have an answer. <laugh>.

Lisa | 06:42

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. But you've got this vision, it sounds like, of this fog, this dense fog that's surrounding your thinking brain. And one option could be that you invite array of light in to cut through the fog. That's one option.

Vimla | 07:04

Yeah.

Lisa | 07:05

What I found interesting about what you just said, my thinking brain, that you specified that it was your thinking brain <laugh>. I'm wondering, let's just try this on. If it doesn't feel resonant, we can knock on a different door <laugh>, um, or just be here and see what shows up. But because you said thinking brain, it made me think that you must have some other sources of, of knowledge, some other brain maybe, I don't know, feeling brain. I don't sensing brain, I don't know. But do you

Vimla | 07:51

Yeah. Yeah. I'm so glad you brought that up. Yes. I have a very big sensing brain, and that's what gets me in trouble all the time. I can sense the, I don't know what I can sense. I, i, I don't know if, um, I can sense a lot and I don't know if always the things that I'm sensing our mind, uh, are not. Sometimes I take on other people's, um, feelings, emotions, and, um, it's very hard to, uh, put up, um, filter. So it's almost like I, in this moment, that's a curse. I'm cursed.

Lisa | 08:53

Mm-hmm.

Vimla | 08:53

<affirmative>, it can be a gift, but, uh, yeah. Yeah. The same thing can be a gift and the curses.

Lisa | 09:06

Yeah. <laugh>, I'm hearing paradox and um, just to, you've probably heard that, but that was nine minutes.

Vimla | 09:16

Yes.

Lisa | 09:16

Do you wanna do some more exploration of a topic or do you wanna try to read back some of what came up in this nine minutes and, and see what's in there?

Vimla | 09:26

Yeah. Read back would be great.

Lisa | 09:28

Okay. All right.

Vimla | 09:30

I think my thinking brain might start working. Yeah.

Lisa | 09:33

Okay. Beautiful. And if it doesn't, is there another brain? Maybe not the sensing one or maybe the sensing one. I don't know that you wanna tap into as I review the things that I heard you say?

Vimla | 09:50

Yes.

Lisa | 09:50

Okay. Beautiful. So maybe we'll just call on all of them's wisdom sources,

Vimla | 09:58

<laugh>,

Lisa | 10:00

And just maybe, maybe I just invite you to pay attention to small little nuances that maybe, um, pop up as I read back. There might be like a tingling sensation that you feel somewhere in your body, or you might hear like a voice in your head, or who knows? I, you know, just pay attention to your somatic experience and your mental experience as I read back what you said. Are you ready?

Vimla | 10:32

Yes.

Lisa | 10:33

Okay. So

Lisa | 10:36

You talked about being present with some emotion and recognizing that you have some resistance to experiencing and or moving through the emotion. You talked about this moment and everything in it, and you just wanted to move past the it beyond it. You even used once the word through it, you named that your thinking brain is trying to move through this process, move through this moment, and even answer the question that I asked you, which is what would you like to invite into the space? And you said, it's hard for me to think because there's just a lot of fog around me right now.

Vimla | 11:22

Yeah.

Lisa | 11:23

But what's interesting is you actually did conceive of this ray of light coming and breaking the fog away <laugh>. So, so it is working, right? But I, but I get that you feel that fog, we explored other ways of knowing things besides the thinking brain for a second. And you said, well, I have this sensing brain. Um, but that seemed like it was a sword with two edges <laugh>.

Vimla | 11:52

Yeah.

Lisa | 11:53

Yeah. You said that, um, it can be a gift and it can be a curse in it, in that also using this sensing brain, you're not always sure what's yours or what belongs to other.

Vimla | 12:12

Yeah.

Lisa | 12:15

And so those are all of the things that we covered in, in that nine minutes.

Vimla | 12:23

That's how,

Lisa | 12:26

Yeah, definitely. Is there anything in that read back that pulses you or that creates a, a desire to torn turn toward

Vimla | 12:39

Yes. The, the through it or the other side of this? The it, I wanna explore what that is. I wanna explore where I want to be.

Lisa | 12:52

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>,

Vimla | 12:55

And I think some of your reflection reflecting back to me, what I've been sharing, that's like the ray of light. It's breaking the fog a little bit. So thank you.

Lisa | 13:10

Hmm. Good. That's really good. And I'm just giving you back what you said, but I understand that sometimes we hear it more clearly when it's coming back towards us versus coming out from us.

Vimla | 13:24

Yeah.

Lisa | 13:26

Okay. So I heard you say that the place that you'd like to go is the other side into imagining and exploring where you'd like to be.

Vimla | 13:37

Yes.

Lisa | 13:38

Okay.

Vimla | 13:39

Um, get clarity on that.

Lisa | 13:43

Okay. Let's just see how clear we can describe what's going to be in your takeaway. Right. So one of the things I like to, you've heard this I like to think about is at the end of our session, you know, you're gonna leave with some leftover, with a little, you know, like a little Chinese takeaway container <laugh>, and in there will be your leftovers. And so if we could have you describe what's in there may, not the details, but just, you know, kind of what it is you're taking away, whether it's, you're describing it in emotions, how you feel, whether you're describing it in terms of whatever detail you can imagine, what's in that takeaway.

Vimla | 14:33

In that takeaway is a big light bulb that can break through any kind of fog. So I'm thinking flood lights and lots of light. If I could, I want the sun and that box so that it can, no fog affects me.

Lisa | 15:02

Yeah. Sort of sounds like you're describing, um, that the little box becomes a lantern of sorts.

Vimla | 15:09

<laugh>. Yes. That's what I need. Alann.

Lisa | 15:14

Okay. All right. Well, I understand that that's the metaphor, <laugh>. So, um, is there any color you wanna put to how you'll know you have that? Or should we just check in at, uh, five minutes before our closing time and, and kind of see how much illumination is there and, and what that looks like? How do you wanna measure that?

Vimla | 15:42

Checking in five minutes before would be the way to go. Yeah. Right now, I don't know a measure of that.

Lisa | 15:55

All right. Are you okay with that?

Vimla | 15:59

Yes, I'm okay with that.

Lisa | 16:01

Okay, perfect. And how much time do you wanna give the rest of our session? So, you know, we've spent about 12 minutes so far. What, uh, and I'm gonna set a timer to keep us on time. Yeah. And we'll leave five minutes after that timer to wrap up and to check in and see how much light is in that box. <laugh>? Yes. So how much time do you wanna do until that last five minutes?

Vimla | 16:27

Let's do seven minutes.

Lisa | 16:30

Okay. Beautiful. You got it. The timer's going. I love this image of this Chinese takeaway container with the lantern. Where are you in relationship to that now?

Vimla | 16:46

There is a little bit of light, I think. Uh, one thing that brings light that goes into that box is the remembering that I need to take in if the emotions that I feel, the things that I experience, the feelings that I experience, if they're mine or not.

Lisa | 17:11

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.

Vimla | 17:12

Um, so that's one thing that goes in the box. The second thing that needs to be in the box is an ability to not hold it, the ability to be like a lightning rod. So whatever emotions and feelings are coming, they can go straight to the earth and I don't need to hold them in my body or in my experience. I think the other ability that needs to come in that box is, um, continuous emotion or feeling. So to, to clarify it. Um, if it's, um, emotion or a feeling that happens, say in an hour or in a day, and then things go back to a non heightened emotion space than I can be the lightning run. I know how to, I have that skill, which is already in that box <laugh>, but when that heightened state of emotion and feeling continues for more than 24 hours or longer, that's, that's a skill that I still don't have. So how not to, how to be a lightning rod throughout the lightning rod gets exhausted. Mm-hmm.

Lisa | 18:47

<affirmative>

Vimla | 18:48

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So maybe it's not a lightning rod, it's a lightning pillar or something, or a building or a lighthouse. Mm-hmm.

Lisa | 18:56

<affirmative>,

Vimla | 18:58

I don't have that yet.

Lisa | 19:02

Yeah. So I heard you say that in order to have this light inside this box, um, certain qualities produce it.

Vimla | 19:15

Yes.

Lisa | 19:16

And that the first quality is your ability to understand what's yours and what belongs to other. Yeah. So is this mine or is this somebody else's? The other is thing you said is that, that I don't hold it. So there's some sort of like time constraint here, <laugh>. Right. And that you, you hold this conduit, this lightning rod that you mentioned or pillar, and eventually goes back into the earth, but there's a period of time you're holding it in which it, it might be lightning hot, that high intensity.

Vimla | 20:04

Yeah.

Lisa | 20:05

And you can hold this pillar, this rod, this conduit for an hour or up to a day with the skill set that you have. Like, you know how to do that.

Vimla | 20:18

Yeah.

Lisa | 20:19

But if the, if the thing stays hot for more than a day, you lose the light.

Vimla | 20:27

Yes. It turns off. Yeah. It goes away. I don't know how to get it.

Lisa | 20:41

Is that true?

Vimla | 20:45

How to get it back on? Yes, that's true. Because, uh, that lightning rod needs a break before it can come back on. And, uh, going back to that time constraint, that time is, uh, yeah, it, it's like, um, the demand on the lightning rod is like, keep it on all the time and it's just, it's just not coming. It, it goes off and then it needs some time. I'm thinking of rechargeable bulbs. <laugh> need to be recharged. They need to be recharged for six hours, eight hours or some number of hours. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> only, again, they can come back on. There's also a voice in my head saying that, but I don't want to be that lightning rod that's exposed to lightning every day with the break of like eight hours to recharge and then come back on. That's not the lightning rod. I wanna be

Lisa | 22:08

What do you want?

Vimla | 22:11

I want the capa capacity or the capability to be a lightning rod, but say once in a lifetime,

Lisa | 22:20

That's seven minutes. You want the capability to be a lightning rod, but once in a lifetime.

Vimla | 22:29

Yeah.

Lisa | 22:30

So what do you wanna be the rest of the time?

Vimla | 22:34

That's such a beautiful question. I want to be a tree the rest of the time. I just want to be, I want to have flowers and leaves and sun and rain and no lightning. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>,

Lisa | 22:51

What's the relationship between being this tree and the thing that you described as the takeaway you wanted for today? This sun, this floodlight, this fog light. What's the relationship between those two things?

Vimla | 23:14

It's for the survival of the tree. It's so that the tree can be, it's almost like the, the fog light is for the sake of the tree. The fog light is not the purpose. It's almost like a need so that the tree can survive the lightning.

Lisa | 23:44

Well, that's interesting. <laugh>, I feel like there's these three elements. The, the light, the lightning and the tree. Where are you now? Vimla?

Vimla | 24:03

I just realized that, um, I have been trying to acquire skills to be the lightning rod. And the thing that just came out, which was the, the reason I am trying to acquire those skills is so that I can be the tree. Being the lightning rod is not my life purpose. Although, although I have acquired some of those skills, and, uh, I think those skills were a necessity. So just so the tree could be, I need to focus on the tree. It's like, um, I focused on the lightning rod, but the tree is still just a baby tree. It's not growing. It's still there. The tree is there, it's not gone. It's, yeah. And it needs more, um, more attention.

Lisa | 25:31

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So are you saying that you've had your attention on becoming a lightning rod, but what you've learned is that you don't actually want to become, that you wanna become the tree.

Vimla | 25:52

Yes, exactly that. I think that's gonna be my takeaway in take away box. I think that's what needs to be there. That's what, that's what is going to be the, the fog light. I'm also thinking this is ridiculous, but I'm just gonna say it. Maybe I need to put a fence around the tree.

Lisa | 26:31

<laugh>. Wow.

Vimla | 26:34

<laugh>. But I don't think I will because, um, then the tree will lose its freedom. Um,

Lisa | 26:45

<laugh>, well, let me point out that it may not be ridiculous. Right? I understand that it can be tempting to label something that comes out of a place and we're not sure what, where it's coming from. Right. Um, but you know, sometimes the tree needs something around it to protect it for a period of time. I wanna say, I wanna share with you two things that are true right now. One is that my neighbor across the street has a tree that he planted when it was itty bitty big, like the size of my pinky finger. And I thought, there's no way that thing's gonna survive a new, a New England winter. And he put a little fence around it, and in the winter time he put like a little coat over it. And he did this every year while it was really small. And as it grew, the coat came off, and then the fence came off. And just last week, I came out of the house and I looked, and I, it is a beautiful tree with purple flowers. And it was like outta nowhere that this thing just was blowing the neighborhood's mind. <laugh>. Like that used to be this little thing. That's one thing I wanna share. The other is that at the time that you said, I don't actually wanna be a lightning rod, and I've been spending my energy to become one, I wanna be a tree and I need to figure out how to grow the tree.

Lisa | 28:28

It's really been cloudy over here today, and the sun just completely came out

Vimla | 28:33

<laugh>, so no more fog.

Lisa | 28:38

So I'm, I don't know that you saying a fence around the tree is a ridiculous thing.

Vimla | 28:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what I want. It is the fence on the tree. <laugh>. Okay.

Lisa | 29:00

So let's, let's take just a couple minutes here to, um, check in on action and the kind of action you might wanna create and, and close our session. Can we, can we do that?

Vimla | 29:15

Yes. Okay.

Lisa | 29:18

Describe to me one more time from your point of view what it is you're taking away from this session.

Vimla | 29:26

Yeah. I think my biggest takeaway is the realization that I don't want to be the lightning rod. I want to be the G and I wanna protect the tree. I want the tree to grow and have purple flowers and beautiful leaves. And, um, and I need to put a fencer on the tree. So the concrete action is going to be my kids draw better than me, so I'm gonna have them make me a tree with the little fence around it. And then I'm gonna put it on my wall next to my desk.

Lisa | 30:13

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>

Vimla | 30:14

So I can see it and remember.

Lisa | 30:17

Beautiful. Beautiful. Will that support you for this period of time, or is there something else that you feel you might need to add to your actions? Third need be, I just am checking in with you.

Vimla | 30:35

No, that's gonna support me. I don't think there is any other action. It's, um, it's a reminder that I need, and that's going to be the reminder of, uh, where my attention needs to be.

Lisa | 30:51

And what's on the other side, to bring us back to kind of the beginning of the session is, you know, you've got this motion and you wanna get to the other side. And what's on the other side is this tree.

Vimla | 31:06

Yes. This is the tree on the other side.

Lisa | 31:09

Okay.

Vimla | 31:11

The tree with purple flowers. Now, now I want purple flowers.

Lisa | 31:16

<laugh>, I'm gonna have to send you a picture. It's really, really beautiful, especially when you saw what it was when it began. <laugh>. All right, Vela, is there anything else that you would like to say or that you need from me for us to be complete in this session?

Vimla | 31:35

I just need to say thank you and, um, I need to acknowledge that, um, taking a nap doesn't make my emotions or fog go away, and yet it's difficult. I would not have arrived here without this coaching session. So thank you.

Lisa | 31:58

You are most welcome. And you are that tree, and you are that sunlight. I already see you this way, and I understand that when there's fog, it can be hard to see ourselves this way. So I wanna acknowledge your courage and your, um, I don't know, something like persistence, it's not quite that word, but with exploring the topic so that you can move through the fog and see that you are those things. The tree and the sun.

Vimla | 32:43

Thank you.

Lisa | 32:45

All right. So let us complete this coaching session. Now we're in our post game chat about the session. And Vimla, I'm really curious what your experience was like as the client in this session.

Vimla | 33:02

Thanks for asking Lisa. And in all honesty, it was an intense session for me, and I deeply appreciated that you let me be with my emotions. As you know, there was so much emotion at that time, the fog created by emotions, and I appreciated how you let me be with all of that fog. And the other thing that I also really appreciated and experienced was that you did not leave me alone with my emotions. I felt heard, I felt witnessed, spite or despite my emotions, you were able to see me through my emotions. So thank you for that. So as a coach, what was your experience?

Lisa | 33:53

Actually, before we go there, <laugh>, can I just ask you, you know, for the sake of the listeners to understand what was the arc that occurred with your emotions because you spent the time with them and had somebody there with you in them?

Vimla | 34:12

That's a great question. And the arc, I think was more or less something like the experience of being completely lost, completely lost in the emotion, and then as a client needing to, wanting to survive. And that shifted into, uh, wanting to thrive. So I went from being completely lost to survival and from there to thriving.

Lisa | 34:47

Mm. <affirmative> that's really interesting because I think one of the things that I've noticed as a coach and, and as a human <laugh> who has emotions is that, um, oftentimes when we are triggered into an emotion from another place right into a, a space of emotion, it can feel really disorienting. I suddenly can feel lost, and then I'm like, Ooh, I'm not sure I like the way this feels <laugh>. I don't like feeling lost. And, and maybe the emotion isn't a very comfortable emotion. And so I might try to find ways not to feel the emotion. And I think, I think a lot of people struggle with that. How do I create the space to actually let an emotion air out <laugh> so it can become something else?

Vimla | 35:36

Yes, absolutely.

Lisa | 35:37

Yeah.

Vimla | 35:38

And Lisa, what you touched upon the space, that was, that was my experience. I had the space. So as a coach, how did you create the space?

Lisa | 35:49

Well, I mean, there's definitely core competencies that were, we as coaches learn in coaching school. And then of course, there are things that are part of sort of the repetition of having been a coach for some time, and then there like are human attributes that, that layer upon that. And so I think that it was really quite easy for me because it was just really about being present with you, really being willing to, you know, I didn't have to say much at all, <laugh>. Um, I was just really bringing forth my innate human curiosity and, and following you with that. And so the, you know, the, the competencies are that I'm with you in your agenda and your agenda that you chose was to explore the emotion. That's just my job is to be with you as you're exploring the emotion. And, um, and to be curious and to let you know if you want to know what I'm noticing, right? Because when we're in it, when we're experiencing, uh, an emotion that we may feel lost in, like you said, we're not so subjective. And so yeah, it was really just reading to you what I was hearing you say and following the places that you went and wanted to go.

Vimla | 37:27

Thank you. That was powerful.

Lisa | 37:30

Yeah. I am kind of wondering what, what the listeners noticed. I mean, it's, it's an interesting coaching session to, um, to have in a podcast because it is a session that is full of so much, but not in words that the podcast is gonna pick up. Right? So I, I am a little curious about what listeners heard in terms of what wasn't being said or what they felt in coaching. We call that listening in into the space, the third level of listening, like what's there, even though it's not said.

Vimla | 38:06

Listeners, please do share with us what you heard and you can contact us on www your vital self.com/coaching confidential.