Finding Ease with Boundaries: A Journey of Forgiveness and Acceptance

In this powerfully emotional episode of The Coaching Confidential Podcast, certified life and wellness coach Adriana Paletta becomes the client and explores the topic of boundaries. She discusses her journey towards setting boundaries and the challenges that come with it. Adriana shares her insights on the importance of self-care, mindfulness, and the acceptance of personal growth. She also delves into the concept of forgiveness and its connection to boundaries. Join Adriana and host Vimla as they navigate the complexities of boundaries and discover the power of finding ease within them.

After the coaching session you'll hear ICF Credentialed Professional Coaches Lisa DiMatteo and Vimla Gulabani discuss the session. You'll hear what it was like for the coach, Vimla Gulabani to partner with her client Adriana, in this session. You'll also hear Lisa and Vimla discuss the skills used in the coaching session as pulled from the ICF, International Coach Federation's framework for ethical coaching.

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Transcript

 Hello, and welcome to the coaching confidential podcast.  In this podcast, we bring you inside an unscripted real life coaching session.  Before we dive into the episode today, we would like to invite you to come work with us. Lisa and I are highly skilled coaches. And at this time, we are offering a limited number of complimentary sessions.

If you would like to avail of this opportunity, reach out to us on LinkedIn, Instagram, or email  there will be links in the show notes.  So Lisa, we are at episode 22 and you've heard the coaching session. What do you make of it?  Yes. Episode 22 features a coaching session with Adriana Paulita.  Adriana is also a coach, actually.

She's a certified life and wellness coach, and she comes to this coaching session, wanting to explore the topic of boundaries.  So  the title of our episode will give you kind of a,  a sense of the content of the episode, finding ease with boundaries, a journey of forgiveness and acceptance.  Um, that all sounds very poetic  and, um,  I guess the way that I will tease the audience about this episode is to say, we listened to some masterful coaching on your part, Vimla, as Adriana explores her desire to be at ease creating boundaries in her life.

And as the two of you dive into this  topic together,  there's  Another beautiful layer  that surfaces that really informs  a significant moment of personal becoming for our client, Adriana.  Yes.  Yes, I loved how you said, almost poetic. So yes, this session  is almost poetic.  All right, let's um, let's listen. 

Hi, Adriana. Welcome. Welcome to the coaching confidential podcast.  And thank you for being  coached live for an audience. Before we get started, I'd like to invite you to introduce yourself.  Good morning, Vimla. Thank you for having me. 

So I'm Adriana Paletta and I'm a  certified life and wellness coach and coaching clients in all different aspects of their life  and helping them achieve their own interpersonal well being and understanding how self care and awareness fortifies resilience,  embodying mindfulness.  aligning with your values and inner wisdom  through adaptability and gaining insight of your own personal transformations. 

And I always say the good and the bad and the ugly, it's the best part. Um, it's really the exploration of what's really happening. Um, so I'm very honored to be here. And, um, this is a little bit about what I do. And, um, it's beautiful.  That's lovely. That's beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing a little bit about what you do.

Uh, Adriana, would you like to share also, uh, where people can find you?  People can find me on LinkedIn, uh, Instagram. Uh, I'm also dailydelegations at outlook. com. This is an email which I have on LinkedIn as well. And, um, right now those are the best places to reach out and, um, Get ahold of me. Lovely. So we'll put all of that information in the show notes for the audience.

Um,  all right, so let's get coaching. Yeah, let's do it. So at the beginning of a coaching session, I usually like to say that this is a safe space. This is a non judgmental space. And usually I would say this is a confidential space. But we are. doing this session for the purposes of sharing with the wider audience, so it's only as confidential as that.

So, do I have permission to sort of, you know, do you give us permission to go ahead? Yes, I do. I have all my permission. Lovely. Thank you. Anything else that you might need from me as we coach?  No, I'm, I feel very comfortable in this space with you, Vimla, and, um, I'm all yours. Lovely. Awesome.  Uh, so, Adriana, before recording, we were talking a little bit about, uh, that you have a topic.

So, let's begin there. Uh, so, what's, what's your topic for today? Um, the topic today, uh, that is landing with me is, um, boundaries. Mm. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. . Yeah.  Um, could you say more?  So  this sort of comes and goes with me, um, quite a bit, um, because in the past I really didn't have boundaries. Hmm. Um, and since. 

putting more boundaries up for my own well being and just for my own,  um,  self preservation.  It's a struggle, uh, just because I think most people are not used to that from my end. Um, they're not used to the,  um,  words of, uh, I, I can't  do this right now. I'm not available right now, or this is not landing well with me or resonating well with me.

So. I will not engage.  Um, and it's a bit of a struggle because of the expectation of,  well, what's going on.  You're always okay to do it or whatnot. Um,  but for myself, it's done wonders and it's really giving me that  pause and that awareness of  saying, you know what, it's okay not to be involved. Yes. I'm hearing so much in that I'm hearing how to say no.

I'm hearing how to reset expectations, how to come to terms or come to agreements with each other in.  professional and other spaces.  Um, that's a lot.  Yeah. Yeah.  Um, so let's  zoom out a little bit. So our topic is boundaries.  So around this topic of boundaries, what's an outcome that you would like at the end of this conversation? 

It's a good question. I think the outcome after this conversation is, you know, when I discuss it out loud, it's the realization that  you can be very comfortable in setting these boundaries and not feel that anxiety or that stomach, that nod in the stomach of, you know, am I going to upset somebody or is this really okay?

Um, the outcome for me is to realize that yes, It is okay.  So am I hearing that at the end of this conversation, you would like to feel confidence in your boundary setting?  I would like to feel  more at ease with it. I feel confident already about it and I feel assured about it. I think it's the, it's always that uneasiness that. 

It's like the wave,  you know, it's like, okay, okay, here it happens again. And here comes that wave.  And I'm the surfer on that board saying, don't worry, you got this. But it's that uneasiness of  how is it going to land for somebody else?  So you would like to feel at ease with boundaries? Sure,  absolutely.  How would you know if we have come to the outcome during this session?

Like, you know, it's possible we might  end up there at some point, but how would you know that that's arrived?  I think I would know more just by my own  gut reaction. My gut  my heart  just that it's it's not like feeling nervous or uncomfortable of  you know is it okay i think that's how i would actually know the physical feeling yeah so there is an embodied way in which you would know that  okay you are more towards the at ease with boundaries  than where we started.

Yeah. Yeah. My mind tells me it's okay. My systems, you know, the, the, you know, like I said earlier, the neurobiology, the systems of the brain, it's saying, yes, this is okay. But if the embodiment of, is it matching? Yes. So you would like,  yes.  So your body will tell you, uh, how much is like, how much towards ease we are moving in this conversation.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.  Um,  that's for today. That's for the present moment. Would you like a takeaway for the future that you could  bring into your future?  I think it would just be, uh, along the lines of,  not having this discussion anymore and just realizing  it's, it's happening without that ever thinking the uneasiness or the, the body feeling  off,  that would be the future goal. 

All right. So it, it almost is sort of out of mind. You're not worried about it. You're not concerned about it. That's something that will show up in your mind, right? In your body.  Yes.  Yeah. So you won't be thinking about it. So you want to take some thinking space back from, uh, this whole idea about, am I easy or is, you know, how easy can boundaries be, not just for me, but for everybody involved.

Right.  Right. That's so, so, so clear and beautiful.  Thanks. Yeah. I love it. So we started with, uh, you know, having your body and mind.  in synergy, like matching them up. And then you would know in your body, like by your body reactions, by your heart reactions, if you have come to an ease. And then eventually, when it's out of your mind, you know that you're completely comfortable.

Absolutely.  That's a beautiful progression that you've just outlined.  Thank you. Yes,  um, so towards this outcome of ease with boundaries,  um, where shall we begin? Oh,  well, you know, I,  where to begin?  I think, you know, Vimla, there is so much, um,  with social media and, and again, like people thinking that it's okay to,  you know, put their two cents in and judge and, and say what they feel they, you know, and for me, it's about the no self, it's about, you know, take the ego out of it and that's where I am now.

It's,  you know, the boundaries are just about. Doing what's right and and what feels right, not selfishly, but  for everybody in the whole  picture of who I am involved with, um,  they don't always see it like that because they, they're seeing through their perception.  So for me, you know, I tried to really  stay disciplined on the sense of not  going down that rabbit hole. 

With the social media or with the judgment or with going out and, you know, you're around people that are constantly saying, and that's where my boundaries sort of say, okay.  This isn't resonating with me or, you know what, wait a minute, you have to look at the other side. Like you don't know what's happening with those people.

And I am not a, um,  I am not a big social media person in the sense where I'm on there all the time. Um, I really don't think it's real. I think a lot of it is perception. It's just a one snapshot of a moment of somebody's time that  really doesn't say nothing. Um, just the perception they want to expose to the world, but I'm not about that.

Um,  I am really, uh, real, you know, you're going to see the ugly, you're going to, you're going to get the grit, you're going to get that. So that boundary for me is where I hold really true now. Um, and it's really hard to explain to people because they just think  what they want to think, right. Or,  or, you know, if I'm quiet. 

You know, why are you quiet? You know, why don't you say anything? It's, I have nothing to say right now.  Or,  I know if I'm around  certain people, it's, they're not going to pick it up. They're not going to resonate because they're, they're too busy with trying to, you know,  find an answer to the question without listening really to the question, and really being  in there at that presence.

And the boundary to us to lot to do with the presence. You know, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but  I would be with people and people I'm close to and we're speaking.  but they're not present. Yeah. The phone is there. They're picking something up. Um, they're not really there stopped to really look at you and engage with you.

Yeah. It's all these other little things going on. And for me, that's another reason why I really stuck more to my boundary because  I want to be engaged. I'm giving you of my time  and I want to give that time fully. Um,  so. I'm not here to educate other people in how they want to give of their time, but being aware of that,  I can see, okay, they're not fully engaged. 

Right? Yeah. So that's, again, that's where the boundaries come up of, I want to share with you and I want to be there, but  my time for me is so important because I'm giving you my vulnerability. Yeah. To share and expose, which I'm okay because if it's going to help somebody, I'm always okay with that. Um, but there are a lot of people out there with the ego and it's the self and the I, and  uh, it just doesn't resonate anymore with me,  right? 

Yes.  Yes. I hear you.  I hear you. And I sort of, um, resonate with a bunch of what you're saying.  Um, coming back to the topic of boundaries. and moving towards that idea of being at ease with boundaries.  Are you saying that if you are able to communicate very clearly  your boundaries  with other people that will bring ease? 

I don't know because  um, I have done it  in a very gentle way by being quiet.  So for me now I'm becoming more comfortable with that  instead of talking just to talk or to fill the the space because nobody's talking or nobody cares to go down that road. 

I don't know the comfort of them  and where they're at.  I would hope down the road, they would understand that. Um, am I there yet with some people? No,  no, I'm not.  But at the same time, um,  it's up to them to realize that  through their own journey, right? And to accept me fully of where I am in my life, in my journey.

Um,  And I'm, I understand that and I accept that, right? It's just not going to resonate with everybody. So  I like being more of that quiet.  And just, you know,  watch the movie play out and see what happens. Yes. Yeah. I'm going to take a risk here and sort of, um, 

you know, make a sort of a conjecture and you tell me if this is accurate or not.  Um,  you have set your boundaries. You have, you are becoming a different person.  And when you,  You, you're, when you are with your new boundaries,  you are staying quiet.  Uh,  the conjecture I'm making is that this quiet,  like your boundaries are comfortable for you, but this quiet is not comfortable for you. 

What you want or desire for maybe  is to  have an agreement around your boundaries.  Is that sort of accurate?  Vinla, you have very good, uh, insight.  You have very good insight, yes.  Yes, because I feel like maybe it's not being understood.  And then, so as much as I want to be quiet,  there's the duality of, okay, now I need to say something. 

So, the old me wants to say yes, this is what I'm doing, this is what I'm about.  But that other side is, you know, an Adriana,  you know, like it's almost like a saboteur, like you're going against what you want to really be.  But that part of me says quietly, you know, at Adriana,  let them just let it sit with them.

Mm hmm. And maybe they will understand through action. Mm. Right? So no action is action. Yes. Right? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. Because I'm used to that. Yes. Doing that. But  now the realization is, yeah, no action is action. Yeah. And I am okay with it. The  funny thing  is watching the others,  they're not comfortable with it.

Yeah.  And so I feel bad because it's like, oh, I don't want to make them feel like that. But at the same time,  I'm sure that they will understand in time.  Does that make sense? Yes, that makes sense. And I'm going to challenge you that you could speed up their understanding or your comfort level by explaining to them your boundaries.

Maybe not in a lot of, um,  like not like previous Adriana, but maybe with the new Adriana, like very precisely, very concisely.  Would that  bring comfort? 

I think part of me would be 

dishonest in where I'm going because I don't want to have to do that. 

I mean, I'd like to in one way, but at the same time, I don't because I feel like I'm going against the grain of what I'm really practicing. Yeah. Okay. So let's drop it. So talking about your boundaries or telling them about your boundaries is not the path you want to choose.  I don't think they would really understand it, Vimla, because they would be, it would, I think, unfortunately, the perception would be about.

Making it about them or maybe taking it  and, and saying, well, what did they do to make me feel like that? And I don't want to do that to them  or anybody for that matter. Yeah. So I just  stay quiet and sort of  take the pause now  instead of,  uh, reacting and saying something just to fill the space. It's more, you know what, I'm going to take the pause.

And let's see how this lands in the room. Yeah. A few minutes, a few seconds ago, you said that  if you talk to people about boundaries, they might think, what did they do  to  bring this impact on you?  Is it true that  your newfound or your new boundaries,  um, are,  are in reaction to something that the other people have said or done? 

Hmm.  That's a loaded question.  Each time you have.  I know.  You know,  Transparency,  uh, then when the last few years have been very difficult. Um, eye opening.  And yes,  has it led me to this boundary discussion? Absolutely. But it is also, and I hate the word but, but, but,  but it has also  taught me so much about myself  and it has opened my eyes to so many different  realities  that  I'm actually really blessed and happy.

Um,  and so moving forward, learning from all that, that's why the awareness of taking that pause and not saying anything,  you know, that old expression, things happen for a reason. Mm hmm. Yeah. You know, as we get older, we understand this more. I didn't understand it back in the day. I was a very  confrontational person and challenging everything. 

I just sort of sit there and,  okay,  let's see what happens here. Yes. Right? So yes, to answer your question, yes, the past had kind of led me to this, um, but I'm so happy it has. Yes.  Um, are you able to forgive your past?  Um,  oh, 

I have forgiven it. 

It's been a tough journey, but I have forgiven it.  I have.  Um, have I forgotten?  No.  But have I forgiven? Yeah.  Tough. It's, forgiveness is tough.  It's just not easy, but wow, um, yes, I, I can honestly sit here and say yes, I've forgiven. Mm. Yeah. Thank you for that question.  Yeah.  Yeah. I'm noticing emotion rising up. 

Yeah.  You know,  when you hear the word forgiveness,  there's so much associated with that word. It's not just, yeah, okay, I forgive you. Like, let's move on.  It's really a journey of emotions, compassion, uh, acceptance.  Um,  You got to look at yourself as well, your accountability in it.  And, um,  it's, it's a hard road to go down,  but once you're down it and you've done it,  the forgiveness is really about you  and about  the acceptance and reality of you. 

Um, yeah, I get emotional because, uh,  it.  It's, it's been a tough journey,  but it's a journey now that I actually get to share with others. To help them on their journey and  so I'm, I'm very blessed for that. Yeah. Honestly, uh, and I can never be  thankful enough for that.  Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.  I hear the joy, the,  I hear that it's been hard and I hear the joy that  joy for actually taking that journey. 

Almost um, also a moment of pride. 

Yeah, I don't um, I don't fight with it anymore, Vimla. And uh, I used to fight with it all the time. You know, it was Adrena, you know, forget about it. Don't worry about it. You know, you're, you're that warrior. You need to move on. Just get on, get over it. Don't worry. That was always,  uh,  I don't do that anymore.

I accept it. Um,  I let it in. I partner with it. Um, I talk with it. Yes. I sit with it. Yes.  Yeah. And I nurture it  and then I move on.  I acknowledge it's there. I acknowledge what's going on  and I go through that process and then I move forward with it. Yeah. Yeah.  Yeah.  Beautiful.  Yeah.  I'm gonna take a pause and sort of try and, um,  summarize what we have, all the places where we have been today in the last 20 minutes.

So we started with boundaries.  We talked a little bit about  ease and comfort with boundaries.  Um, we talked about how you would know in your body.  like in your heart,  when you feel comfortable, if and when you feel comfortable with your boundaries  and how would you know in your mind, which is if you stop thinking about it, you know that  it's, it's arrived, it's there, you're at complete ease with your boundaries. 

And in that space, we've also stumbled into forgiveness,  uh, stumbled into  past, stumbled into The new Adriana  and the joy, the pride,  um, a little bit of, um,  acknowledging how hard this has been. 

So there's a lot here,  there's a lot inside this,  inside this, uh,  topic called boundaries.  So is that topic still boundaries or has the topic shifted? 

No, I, I think the topic is still boundaries, but, um, I love that question. Okay.  Of,  you know, the forgiveness that you asked.  And it sort of gave me a little bit of an insight that I'll have. Oh,  I never really thought about it that way.  Um,  and that really  sits with me, but  in a real, uh, peaceful manner.  Cause I've never really thought about it and, um,  discuss it now with you. 

Uh, 

I don't know. I, I feel like a very  peaceful vulnerability  around it.  So I, I actually have to  honor you for that question as well.  Yeah. Yeah. I think the question was in this space. 

I guess I just put words to it.  Yeah, beautiful words.  Yeah.  So where do we go from here? 

Um, you know, it's always a work in progress, right? Yes. That's what life's about. It's that constant evolution of change. And,  um, will I always work on it and continue working on it? 100%. 

Is the wave still come? Yes.  I'm just more,  I'm more ready. Yes. I'm, uh,  I'm more equipped when it, when those waves come. I'm a little bit more, okay, I know how to deal with it. Yeah. I know how this is going to go. Yeah, you know, I'm ready. Yeah, you know, when you were talking about waves, the image I had in my head was of a surfer on a surfboard. 

Yeah.  Do you, do you have a surfboard?  I don't. I do not. I used to skateboard when I was a kid.  Um,  And if I did ever surf, I would be the one laying on it. I don't think I'd be standing, but that's okay, because I still can navigate the waves with my arms.  Yes, yes, very true. Yeah,  yeah.  So we are coming to the end of our time together. 

I'm  not sure that we have come to the outcome of ease with boundaries.  But, um, what do you think?  Did we make any progress?  I believe we did. I believe the discussion around that with the forgiveness.  I'm  going to take away with that  and sit with it after this session and um,  nurture it.  Yeah. Um, am I 100 percent at ease?

No, but that's okay. That's part of the not knowing, right?  And it is okay. Yeah. Okay. Right. So  what I am taking away is, uh, yeah, is sitting with that forgiveness.  And how it,  how it's around the boundaries. Yeah. And I really love that.  Yeah. I really love that. Yeah.  It's beautiful. Uh, just for our audience, you just now drew a circle with your finger  when talking about forgiveness and how forgiveness is around the boundaries  that in my head, I'm hearing a whole new takeaway for me. 

Yeah. It's almost like the boundaries, there is a boundary and.  Like, um,  on the boundary or the boundary wall is called forgiveness, right?  Yeah, it's like that that realm that wheel with the spokes, right?  And you know  The forgiveness is the outer  And then in the spokes is all the  you know The different thought process that go with that and then you have the boundaries inside, you know Yeah, and boundaries are part of forgiveness and acceptance and, and you know, the reality of what's really happening.

And again, the no self and the no ego. It's all about that, right? Yeah. It's the unselfishness of accepting this is where it is. This is where it's landing right now. Yeah. While that, while that wheel is turning. Yes.  Yes. So beautiful. I have a whole image in my head that I cannot describe for our audience, at least not in this moment.

But that's, that's so beautiful. 

So is this a good place for us to end our coaching session?  Yes, I believe it is. Um, I feel very, I feel a very sense of peace right now. I love that. Wonderful.  All right. So let's end our coaching here. 

So looking back at the session,  what's,  what was the impact of that coaching session?  The forgiveness part, Vimla. I mean, um,  that just really hit me hard. I never really thought I've never really thought about it and getting emotional about it,  like I've never really thought about that. And so the impact for me is around that word and  what really resonates with it  and the boundaries.

I, uh, yeah, I'm really,  I'm here in awe right now about it. It's such a learning for me.  Yeah. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. Oh,  thank you for asking the question. Yeah.  Um, like, like I mentioned, I think it was in the space. It just came,  came out of nowhere, I thought for a moment, but I thought it seems like it's here.

So let me ask.  Yeah. And I love the challenge. I love that you challenged me. Um,  it's important.  It's sort of,  Takes us out of our,  our own self. Sometimes I think, Oh,  well, that's a good, that's a good question.  Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Anything else about the coaching session that stood out to you? 

Um,  can I make an observation? Yes, please. Yes. Um, my observation for this is you have a very tranquil presence.  around you and it is very comforting and it's um, it's very inviting.  So I'm taking that as well from this. session.  Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome. Wonderful.  Thank you so much. So, Adriana, thank you for being a guest on our podcast.

And this has been beautiful. Just Amazing. Yeah. Thank you for sharing part of yourself with our audience.  I thank you for your time as well. 

Wow, Vila. That was a pretty powerful session and um,  ended up in a place that  I don't know that I would've scripted. Yes,  that's what we said in the beginning. Unscripted  . Yeah.  Yeah, and I, my guess is. And we can't speak for Adriana in this way, but I think it's fair to say that  oftentimes our sessions go to places  where even the client may not have scripted.

Yes.  That's so very, very true. And actually that's very true in most coaching sessions, I would say. And  it's funny to think about  having a conversation,  right? And in coaching, it's often a conversation that the, that at least one person is paying to have, right?  No, starting that conversation, not knowing necessarily where it's going to end up, right?

It's very antithetical to how we might normally be thinking.  And anybody who's listened to  any of these episodes or had their own experience coaching might know that.  sometimes there are a few things that are more valuable than that kind of conversation.  Yes.  Can, can I talk about, um, can I just point out something that also seems a little bit antithetical and this is kind of about the impact of the coaching.

Yes. And this is, this is a conversation that you and Adriana had towards the end. Actually you were, it was outside the coaching conversation that you talked about the impact, right? You ended the conversation, then you spoke briefly about. What she took away  and one of the things that I just want to like go right to is that the thing that you all agreed  was the target of the session wasn't reached.

Yes,  which of course, if we're using our logical minds to think about  and we lay this out, we might say, wait a minute,  I'm paying for this conversation. I wanted to land here and we didn't land here.  Yes.  Um,  where.  did the conversation land in terms of impact?  Yeah,  I think it landed where it needed to land. 

I think  it landed in a very precious place, in a beautiful place. And, um,  I also want to say that, you know, you know, Um, yes. At the beginning of a coaching session, we sort of design where would you like to take this topic or what's the outcome of this topic? And yet that's just a north pole, that's a direction. 

And uh, we may or may not get there,  or we may take the first few steps in that direction.  So that, I think that definitely happened. We were going in the direction of the outcome.  Yes, because where we need to be  or where really  we choose to go as the client  may not be  what we think  we need  or what we think at the beginning might not be actually where we need to be.

So, so like the process is iterative as you move into it.  You learn more and you're following, um,  your own path,  but you can't know that always from the starting point.  Yes.  Can we, can we put the real topic  down here as we're speaking? Cause I'm just thinking about how,  um,  Adriana's goal was  to feel more easeful. 

in setting boundaries.  Yes.  And your conversation  helped her understand  something on the path to that.  Yes. Is that fair to say? Yes. I think where we landed was at this insight that, um,  forgiveness is intertwined with boundaries. There is a relationship there. We did not unpack the relationship completely, but that was something Adriana was going to sit with reflect on. 

So  forgiveness  is on the path to ease with boundaries  is where we stumbled.  And, uh, where we were.  Yeah.  And when the session started, the visibility to that  either wasn't there or was unconscious. Yes. Yes. So the session revealed  a very important ingredient  on the path  to this place  that Adriana  was headed. 

Yes.  Yes, absolutely.  You know, Lisa, this, this session and this conversation that we are having today also reminds me of the conversation we had with, uh, I think you had that conversation with Edwin, Edwin Vega.  That conversation was about,  you know, when as humans become coaches,  after all that coach training,  we are different people.

And suddenly we are  setting boundaries and setting agreements as opposed to expectations.  So,  that becomes jarring, or, startling or surprising to the people around us, like in our other relationships, people who are around us who are not coaches.  And, um, there needs to be a little bit of, um, like a  conversation.

If I remember Edwin's metaphor, he said, like, you know, you have to explain to your partners that, Hey, look, I have a new software update.  Let me show you its features.  And this is how it is. This is how cool it is. And I really like it. If you would like, you can also download it  or something. Yes. Yes. Yes. And you're talking about episode 14.

Yes. With Edwin Vega. Yeah. This is about the journey of helping people.  understand who we have become. Yeah.  Yeah. In my session with Adriana, we did not touch upon that or talk about it, but it had some undertones or undercurrents of  that topic.  Yeah.  Yeah. And, and  there are several moments in the coaching session where you can tell  where it's clear actually that the coaching is having a powerful impact.

Um,  and so I'm wondering if we might shift a little bit to what you did as the coach  to co create  that outcome.  Yeah, let's do that. Okay, so one thing that I was very aware of, conscious of, was leaning into my  coaching skills. Coaching skills of design the alliance, design the topic, design the outcome. How would the client know when they've arrived at the outcome?

That's a huge part,  a huge part of coaching sessions. And I think that was,  really happening. We had a North Star and, uh,  that's usually the purpose of designing your alliance to establish the North Star.  What else did you notice, Lisa?  Um, well, just, I want to agree with you about that piece of creating  that.

identification of how I know  how I'll know when I'm there. And I always love in your coaching, how you invite the client to, um,  know beyond their,  their conscious mind, right? Like are you using only their brain that you invite them to say, like, how's it going to feel in your body? We've heard that in a couple of episodes.

Um, I'm also thinking of, uh, episode 19 with Emily, you did that so brilliantly. And. to come back to your question of what other skills were there. There was a point in the episode where you took a risk and you actually use those words like I'm going to take a risk here. Um, and make a sort of conjecture, right?

And this, this. From a coaching skills perspective, if we're leaning on the competencies as identified by the international coach federation,  we might put under the category of evoking awareness because you threw something out into the space in a way in which you were unattached, you are throwing it out to see if it had any  resonance for the client. 

And  in doing so,  your lack of attachment here actually facilitated  insight for Adriana  because very quickly you can hear Adriana  reporting that as, as good, good insight, she called it. And, um, there was a piece that she took away. from that reflection.  Yes.  Yes. That was, um,  that was happening. Um,  I was hearing a lot in the conversation  and, um,  I sort of needed permission to sort of reflect it back. 

So that was one way that I tried to reflect it back.  And I think the client also heard themselves at that point.  Yeah.  And now this is reminding me of our conversation with Shannon, where she said, you know, in a coaching session, the purpose of the session is that the client can hear themselves.  Yes. Yes.

All parts of themselves.  Yes. Yes. And you were listening at that deeper  level, not actually sure entirely what you were hearing,  but throwing it out without attachment. Yeah. And you're talking about episode 20 with, with Shannon Kelly.  And to that note, maybe the last, um, skill we could point out here is  similar.

Uh, it was sort of towards the end when, um,  you asked the client,  if there was any progress made in this session. So we've talked about how like the exact outcome that was named at the beginning,  like that wasn't the exact destination. Um, do you want to talk about that competency? Yeah, sure. Um, it's, um,  it's called, uh, facilitates client growth. 

And, um, it says the coach partners with the client to summarize learning and insight within the session.  I didn't want to just  summarize it myself. I wanted to invite Adriana to do it.  And, um, yeah. And what she summarized so beautifully was  she summarized with a visual that forgiveness and boundaries are  intricately connected. 

Her visual was a circle.  With forgiveness on the circumference and boundaries on the spokes of that wheel.  That was,  that was the learning. And that was hers.  Yeah. Yeah. And it's only like the,  the embodied nature of that learning, as you point out, can only come from her.  On the other hand,  you know, we're coaches that have human lives also.

And so I,  I'm wondering  what.  Being the coach. in this session was like for you? 

That's a powerful question.  Um,  so I, I,  I'll be honest. Um, I think we can hear it in the session. When we listened to the session, there was emotion in the session. And, um,  my self management skills were at play.  So I had to 

sort of not get pulled into that emotion myself while  being,  um, you know, while creating a space and a container where the emotion could be held.  So I was holding that container, inviting the emotion, normalizing the emotion.  And, um,  and that takes a lot of practice, I want to say.  So the words that are coming to me are, um, unconscious competence. 

It seems like, uh, I have arrived at that place where I can be unconsciously competent in holding the container.  Yeah.  Yeah. And then, of course, that's referring to these, um,  uh, phases. of learning that we all engage in, in whatever we happen to be learning. Yes. Yeah. So what you were doing with that unconscious competence was automatically  like as if on autopilot, but with intention,  um, holding at bay  any experiences that you're having personally  that,  may interfere  with the coaching container.

And so I'm going to say this maybe a slightly more plain way, um, here, which is that  you might've been having  feelings  about the feelings that were in the space, or you might've been having  your own experience of relating to what was happening in the room, but as coaches, we.  embody the skill of sort of bifurcation for that period of time.

Yes. For the sake  of the space, which is to cultivate whatever the client is there for. Yes.  Yes. And at first when we're, when we're learning, we burn a lot of calories. Trying to,  trying to do this  and it's still a calorie burn, even when  we begin to do it automatically, um, but it's an essential part of the nourishment of the environment for the client.

Yes, absolutely. Yes. Very, very true. So yes, that was happening.  that was something that was going on within me. A lot of self management, a lot of holding of the space, a lot of leaning into the competencies and the skills of, um, reflecting back, listening,  uh, asking for permission, empowerment. You know, we,  we, in our society, we use this word empowerment a lot, but what does it really mean?

So empowerment in my mind, it means  putting the other person at choice, asking permission.  Yes, and you did that many times throughout the session. It was like this.  reflexive way of  putting the power back in the client's hands. Yes.  Yes.  Or reminding the client that they have the power. Yes. And it's theirs to use.

I'm not going to use it. 

Yeah.  Anything else about what it was like to be a coach in this session?  I want to say it was a very, um,  tender session or very  like emergent  session. So there was things emerging and,  and it was beautiful. 

Yeah.  I have to say, as I'm hearing you describe this, I'm just thinking about  how  These are the sessions that sometimes feel like ones you would describe as magic. Yes. Right? Because  you don't know what you don't know.  Yes. And once you start getting into  The conversation and permission is given to go in the direction of whatever's popping up. 

You just, it's sort of like going on a Sunday drive in a town you've never been to and finding the most amazing things that you never knew were there. Yes.  Yeah.  And um,  Ending, ending on it being really food for thought for the client.  Yes. Yes. That's exactly where we ended and  we don't know where our client is today, but, uh,  yes, she took away a lot of  new  things to think about. 

I'm, I'm wondering what those who are listening  felt.  or related to in this session.  Yeah. Do let us know.  Yeah. So that's it. That's a, a very unclear invitation. Um, sorry, my  Vimla was working. We were co creating here to make a clear invitation that it would be great to hear what came up for you as you listened to this episode.

Um, what your thoughts were.  what feelings you had, what you noticed, um, as you listened to this session. So there's an invitation to reach out to us on all the channels. Um, those are all linked in our show notes here. Um,  and yeah,  This is normally the time we turn and look towards what's next for us in our next episode, which will be 23. 

Yes.  So next episode is also going to be a coaching session. Um,  we cannot say anything about it yet because it hasn't happened yet.  So,  so we'll, uh, stay tuned. We'll let you know as soon as we know.  And if you're having the urge that. You want to be the subject of the next session again, as the, the invitation was made at the beginning of this podcast episode, uh, please do reach out to us and, um, love to have you as a guest on our show.